


Fate's Burden

by RiversEnd



Series: Confluence [1]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Baby Hawke!, Deviates From Canon, F/M, Misunderstandings, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-02-16 23:12:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2288069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiversEnd/pseuds/RiversEnd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris leaves Hawke with more than a broken heart after their initial night together.</p>
<p> <br/>Now with Art Work! (courtesy of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/reellifejaneway">reellifejaneway</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Fenris stood outside Hawke's bedroom door. Everything in him screamed to not listen, that eavesdropping was wrong. But he couldn't help himself. 

He had come to apologize. For the past two months, he had been plagued with regret until finally, it became too much. He knew his words had hurt her. He had been a coward. Fear at what he was feeling, fear that it would all be ripped away from him the moment Danarius found him, combined with the impression of terror left behind by his residual memories, made him run. The memories had been fleeting, insubstantial almost. Not being able to retain them was almost more painful than the impressions they left behind. The only thing that made it bearable as the event settled in his mind was the feeling of helplessness and terror they had left in their wake was the memory of Hawke as she lay in his arms. But even of that he had allowed his fear to rob him.

He had been a fool. A coward. Tonight he had come to apologize, to ask for her forgiveness. But the conversation he heard through Hawke's door, open just a crack, made him stop dead in his tracks. 

He was too late. She had moved on.

Still, despite his misery, he couldn't help but remain still, listening to the conversation that damned any hope of happiness he might have had, had he not been such a coward.

"You need to tell him, Raine," Anders' voice was emphatic.

"No. He made himself quire clear already."

"You've known you've needed to tell him for over a month, now. What is keeping you from this?"

"It's none of your business."

"It is. And if you don't tell him, I will."

"You will not!"

"Yes, I will. And don't look at me like that. You know I'm right. He needs to know."

Hawke sighed in resignation. "Fine..."

"I know, love," Anders' voice was tender. So was the hand that reached up to caress Hawke's face. "I know. It's not easy. But I'm here for you." He gently folder her into his arms, reassuring her everything would be alright. Fenris looked away, unable to stomach the sight of Hawke wrapped in the abomination's arms so tenderly. "Now," Anders' voice was closer to the door. "I expect you to tell him tomorrow. Or I will."

Fenris' heart sank as he hurried for the stairs and out the door. It would not do any good to be caught listening. He had heard what the abomination had called Hawke. He had called her "love." There was nothing left for him here. He had ruined any chance of that that one night two months ago. What burned more than his regret was his rage that the demon was forcing Hawke to flaunt their new relationship in front of him. The thought of that, of Ygraine being bullied in such a manner, angered him in a way he never felt possible. He never would have been so callous towards her. No, he thought, he would just run out on her in the middle of the night, telling her the whole thing had been a mistake. 

And now he was paying the price for his cowardice. From what he had heard, they had been together for a little over a month. That meant the two of them had gotten together shortly after that night Fenris visited and had taken her to bed. How long did she really wait, he asked himself? Bitterness and jealousy welled up inside him. He should have known better than to trust a mage with his heart. 

The hypocrisy of these feelings did not escape him. Who was he to have expected her to wait? He was the one to walk out. He was the one to say it had been a mistake. Still... The thought of her in the abomination's arms burned him. He was not lying to himself. He knew if it had been anyone else, he would still have been jealous. But for it to be the demon, that galled him.

*****

The next day, Fenris found himself reluctantly entering the Hanged Man. He had wanted to stay home, to avoid seeing Hawke at all costs. He dreaded the pending conversation he knew she was going to initiate, and seeing her would only make his misery more real. But it was Wicked Grace night and his absence would be noticed. Besides, he would rather be there, surrounded by the company of others. Maybe it would make the coming confrontation less angry, maybe even shorter as he was sure Hawke wouldn't want others to overhear, or to see any discomfort between the two of them. There were those that were, after all, insatiable gossips among their group. Maybe being in their presence would lessen the threat of things blowing out of proportion. 

Who was he kidding? By the end of the night, Raine had not approached him. He was, however, sufficiently drunk, having drank more than normal in his anxiety. 

Finally, having grown tired of waiting, he folded, laying his cards down on the table and excused himself. As he got up from the table, Hawke called out to him before he could reach the door.

"Fenris! Wait up. I'll walk home with you."

He sighed, dreading what he knew to be coming. Still, he waited just outside Varric's door. 

"I'm sorry," Hawke said as she caught up to him. "I..." she hesitated, fumbling with the cuff of her robe in an uncharacteristic manner. "I actually needed to talk to you," she finally said.

Seeing her so uncomfortable, so unsure of herself, was his undoing. 

"Hawke," he said, trying to catch her attention from where it was still focused on her shirtsleeve. "Hawke," he said again. This time her eyes rose. They were full of conflicting emotions. Fear. Uncertainty. Sadness. Mostly fear. Knowing that he was partly the cause of her conflicted state hurt. More than that, he was angry with that damned abomination for forcing her into this position. She was free to do what ever she wished, and she owed him no explanation. If she wanted to sleep with a demon, who was he to stop her. He had given up the right to be concerned the moment he walked out on her. Everything was all the better for it anyway. At least this way, she would not be considered as a target for Danarius to use against him. They would both be spared the pain of that.

"I already know," he said, trying to keep his anger in check. There was no need for her to continue with this if she was so uncomfortable with the situation. If he settled it with her before they left Varric's, then she would not need to suffer the discomfort of walking back to Hightown with him. Let her damned abomination walk her home instead.

"You... You already know," she asked, her eyes wide with fear.

"Yes," he answered.

"How?" Her vice was small, hesitant.

"I was there last night," he continued. "I had come by to talk when I overheard you and the abomination speaking."

"You know?" She was bewildered.

"That is what I just said," Fenris snapped, cringing at the sound of his voice. The last thing he wanted to do was take his anger at himself out on her undeservedly. "I overheard everything."

"And that's it?" she asked suddenly angry. "That's all you have to say?"

"What more do you want me to say?" he replied, his own anger finally breaking through. "Do you need my permission? Do you want my blessing? I am not your master, Hawke," he shouted. "Do whatever the hell you like. We've already established I'm no longer a part of your life." 

Without waiting to hear her response, Fenris turned and left, stalking away angrily, leaving her standing, silent outside the door to Varric's room.

Hawke couldn't move as she watched Fenris walk down the stairs and out of her life for the second time. Only this time, it was for good. He had turned her away. If she hadn't been a part of the conversation, she would never have believed him to be so callous, so selfish. Yet here she was, abandoned by the one man she needed most to help her in her current situation. A gentle hand on her shoulder brought her out of her misery. Blinking back tears she didn't even know she had been crying, she turned into the comforting embrace of Anders. 

"What am I going to do?" she asked. "I can't do this on my own. I just can't."

"You don't have to, love," Anders said softly, gently stroking the back of her hair. "I'm here. If that mongrel dog won't take responsibility for what is his, I will. I won't let you go through this alone."

Hawke sniffled against his coat. "But you shouldn't have to."

"Shhhh, love. It'll be alright. I promise," he continued to stroke her hair. "It may take a while, but it'll be alright, eventually."

She nodded. Straightening up, she wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "Thank you. But I don't want to be a burden."

"You're not. I promise," he replied. "Now, not to add more pressure, but when are you going to tell the others?"

"I don't know if I can."

"You'll have to eventually. You do know they'll figure it out on their own once you start to show?"

"I know," she answered, looking down, her hand straying to her belly. "But not tonight. I... I can't do it tonight. It's too painful."

Anders nodded. "Let me walk you home."

"Sure," she said. "Thanks."

*****

Fenris stood, hidden in the shadows of the courtyard outside Hawke's estate. Conflicted between anger, resentment, and sadness, he watched as the abomination gently embraced Hawke, tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear before letting her go. There was a sad smile on her face as she nodded in response to something he said. As the mage turned to go, Hawke called out to him, asking something Fenris could not hear. Whatever the question was, it was answered by Anders following Raine into her mansion and shutting the door, but not before he turned and looked in Fenris' direction. 

Fenris' shoulders sagged. He had truly lost her. There was nothing now he could do about it. She belonged to someone else. Feet as heavy as his heart, he shuffled back to his own rundown home, hoping that there was at least one bottle of Danarius' best wine left in his cellar.

*****

Anders left Hawke's home through her cellar, the key to her basement safely tucked inside his robes. The two of them had come to an agreement that with the current situation, it would be best if he didn't have to stalk through all of Darktown and Lowtown just to get to her house if he was needed.

When he finally reached the solace of his clinic, he barred the doors. Justice raged. Lightning sparked from his fingers, dancing across the room. Vials shattered, tables exploded. If he ever saw Fenris in the near future, he would be a dead man for putting Hawke through this. 

*****

Late into the night, Ygraine lay in bed, silent tears soaking her pillow. Never before had she felt so utterly alone, so despondent. Not when she lost Bethany. Not even when she lost her mother. Death was a part of life. It hurt, and it was cruel. But never was it this cruel. 

Gently, she ran her fingers over her belly, trying to take comfort in the knowledge of the new life that was growing there. Only that comfort was hollow now that its father had rejected her, rejected it without so much as a thought or a backward glance. 

Anders was right. She would have to tell the others soon. It wouldn't be long before she began to show, and she would have to stop taking jobs. At least until after the child was born. But she would worry about that later. For now she couldn't do anything but hurt. Next week would be good. Or maybe the week after. She wasn't sure when, but it would be soon. Then the rest of her child's crazy, mismatched and hobbled together family would know of its existence. 

*****

Fate, however, is as fickle and as cruel as death, twisted in its own designs.

Three days later, a letter from the Viscount arrived, followed closely on its heels by a quarreling Isabela and Aveline.

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not new to writing, just new here. I have no beta, so any grammar/mechanics/spelling errors are all mine (please be gentle with me). 
> 
> I'm not sure if this idea has eve been used, but the entire thing started with a single image/conversation (chapter 3 and will be posted later). Everything spiraled from there. I hope you like. Read/Comment/Review... I'd love to hear from you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qunari issues ensue and Fenris learns the truth behind the situation with Hawke, but not before Anders/Justice finally speak their mind.

"Blondie," Varric turned towards Anders as they walked through Lowtown, following Hawke and Aveline towards the Docks. "Mind telling me what's up with you, Hawke, and Broody? And before you condemn me for only going after a story, that's not why I'm asking. I think everyone in the Hanged Man… hell, everyone in Lowtown heard their rather explosive conversation the other night. I'd ask her, but every time I try, she looks so damned lost it hurts and I can't bring myself to say anything. And at the risk of a fist in my chest, I'm not asking the elf. So that leaves you."

"Why would I be involved?" Anders asked, trying to dodge the question.

"The others may have been too drunk to notice, but I saw your little finale to that mess, swooping in to comfort the distraught maiden. One could say you gentlemen were acting like two cocks circling the same hen," the dwarf chuckled.

"There is nothing between Hawke and myself. So get your facts straight."

"That's what I'm trying to do. But you don't seem to be cooperating much, so I'll just have to make things up."

"Please don't." The pleading note in Anders' voice set Varric back.

"That bad, huh?"

"You have no idea."

"Well, shit."

"Exactly."

"So I'm guessing what ever this is, it's the reason why he's not joining us on this little excursion into the Qun?"

"You guess correctly," Anders replied. "But he's here. He may not have been invited, but he's here, shadowing us."

"Really?" Varric crooned. 

"Yes. You know, for someone who professes apathy, he has a strange way of showing he doesn't care."

"How exactly do you know that it's him behind us?"

"I can feel his lyrium," Anders said with a shudder. "It's like a magnet for Justice. For some reason, he can feel Fenris' attachment to the fade through his markings whenever he's nearby. But don't let him know. The dog is paranoid enough as it is."

"I won't." Varric shook his head. "I can assure you. Like I would spoil at least one of you guys' advantage over him. After the other night, he seems to be on everybody's shit list, right alongside Isabela. Though right now it's hard to tell which one has pissed everyone off more."

Anders' chuckled at that. Actually it was driving Justice crazy to be able to sense the elf. It always had, though now it bothered him more than ever. He wanted nothing more than to break through the tight control that Anders had on him and lash out at the selfish bastard. Anders would hardly call that an advantage. Still, he couldn't understand why the elf would bother to care after so profusely denying wanting to have anything to do with Hawke or their child. Something about the situation wasn't right.

"And here we are," Varric interrupted Anders' thoughts as they reached the stairs to the Qunari compound. "Let's see how much trouble we can get into today."

*****

The four of them stood at the foot of the stairs leading from the Docks into Lowtown.

"Well that could have been worse," Hawke announced.

"Don't, Hawke," Varric admonished. "Just don't. That's worse than 'I have a bad feeling about this', or 'what could possible go wrong'."

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"Raine!" Everyone turned towards Fenris where he emerged from the shadows, worry plain on his face. "Are you alright?"

"What the hell are you doing here, Fenris?" Hawke asked derisively. "I thought you made it clear that you want nothing more to do with me?"

"That's not what I said," he snapped back. 

"That's exactly what you said!"

"Children!" Varric's voice interrupted. "As much as I would love to witness the latest installment in your lover's quarrel, the Qunari are currently taking over the city."

Hawke blushed. Fenris' eyes were downcast, staring at his feet. At least the two of them had the decency to look chastised, Varric thought.

"We should get to the keep," Aveline suggested. "If the Qunari really are taking over the city, they'll go for the Viscount."

"Sounds like a plan," Hawke agreed. "Part of a plan, at least. Survive until we can get to the keep." And with that, she turned on her heel, her staff held defensively in front of her, and bolted up the stairs into Lowtown. 

*****

By the time they reached the Viscount's throne room, the entire party was exhausted. Every one of them sporting various bruises, cuts and scrapes. Anders was stretched to his limit, healing taking up more of his power than fighting. It was all he could do to keep the five of them alive. Adding Ygraine's condition to the fray only added to his exhaustion. It drove him to distraction watching as she narrowly avoided attack after attack that got too close while she was casting. Luckily, Fenris was always close at hand, or quickly arrived by her side a blinding flash of blue, cutting his way through the Qunari ranks as efficiently as the lightning Raine called down from the heavens. 

Still, he could not be any less happy with the damned elf. Because of him, now Hawke was to duel the Arishock in single combat for the safety of the entire city. Damn the elf! How could he suggest such a thing knowing Hawke's condition? Yes, the city was important, and this was the best way to solve the situation with minimal bloodshed. But still, how could he risk his child's life like this?

"Are you really willing to risk her life like this?" he accused Fenris.

"It is the only way," Fenris growled. "Otherwise the Qunari would decimate the entirety of Kirkwall. She would die fighting, defending this city to the last, and you know it. At least allow her the opportunity to try and save the lives she's so damned concerned about even if they would lock her up in the Gallows for doing it."

Anders knew he was right, but it still didn't make him feel better. Such cold logic had no place in his philosophy. He just couldn't understand it. Glaring daggers at Fenris, he stood, anxious and full of fear as he watched Raine square off against the most deadly man he had ever seen in all of Thedas. If she survived this, he was going to give the damned elf a piece of his mind. If she died… He shuddered at the thought. If she died, he would kill the dog right here in the Viscount's palace. Meredith and the Gallows be damned. If Hawke died today, he would call down every deadly spell he could think of before Fenris had a chance to move. That is, if Justice didn't get to him first. His companion still had not stopped raging about the injustice of the elf's decision to abandon his family in such a heartless manner.

*****

It was finally over. The Arishok was dead, and by some miracle, or twist of fate, Hawke still stood. Anders' nerves were frayed to the breaking point.

Hawke clutched at her right side where the Arishok's blade had ripped a deep gash in her flesh. She could feel the burn of the wound as her life slowly ebbed. This couldn't be happening. The damned Qunari had managed to get a solid hit on her the moment her rock armor failed. She prayed the damage wasn't as bad as she thought it was. The world spun. Dizzily, she slipped to her knees as consciousness escaped her.

"Anders!" she cried out as she fell, begging for healing.

Fenris cringed as he reached her side, cradling her in his lap, her cry ripping him to the core of his being. She didn't want him. She wanted the abomination. 

"Damnit!" Anders cursed. As he began weaving his spell, Meredith broke through the doors to the chamber. Hawke was slipping with every moment, and there was too much damage for him to take care of here. He needed to move her and could not afford the delay of talking to the Knight-Commander. 

"We need to move her," he said to Fenris. "I need you to carry her, please. Once we get her back to her house, I can do more for her there."

"We don't have the time for you to worry about being discovered as a mage, abomination. She needs healing now," Fenris snarled.

"I've stabilized her condition for the moment. But we need to hurry. The damage that has been done is far more than I can simply treat here, and unless you want me stripping her naked in front of the entire nobility of Kirkwall, I suggest you do as I say. Now." 

Anders did not have to wait for an answer. Fenris carefully pulled Hawke into his arms, her blood wet against his armor, and lifted her from the floor. The glare on his face stopped any from getting in their way, convincing them it would be unwise to impede their progress as the group left the Viscount's and headed down the steps towards Hawke's estate. 

*****

"Take her up to her room," Anders directed Fenris as they swiftly entered the mansion. "I'll need you to come with me and help. I don't think you want anyone else seeing her like this." He began directing the others. "The rest of you, go to the kitchen. I'll send Fenris down if we need anything. Someone will need to find Bodhan and Orana and let them know what's going on."

Before anyone could say anything else, he followed Fenris up the stairs and into Hawke's room. Fenris had gently laid her down on top of the covers, and was already in the process of removing her robes. 

"You did not tell me to help just because of this," Fenris said over his shoulder. "Why me? Do you wish to berate me for this entire situation? Tell me how much a fool I was to risk your lover's life for this damned city that will never return the favor?"

Anders blinked. The elf thought he and Raine were lovers? He didn't have time for this. "No, elf. I'll save that for a better time. Right now, I need to ask you a favor."

"Favor?" Fenris asked. The way the abomination asked that one word made chills run down his spine. What could the mage possibly want?

"Her body is badly damaged, barely holding on to life and may be beyond my ability to heal. And on top of that, I'm already stretched past my endurance."

"Just ask, mage!" Fenris demanded.

"I need your lyrium," Anders said, looking Fenris directly in the eye.

Fenris shuddered at the request. There were no good memories of Danarius' use of his markings. They were all full of pain, and terror. He knew it was for Hawke's life, but he couldn't bring himself to face that pain again. He hesitated.

"You do not know what you ask," he said, hoping that the abomination would not notice the fear he tried to keep out of his voice.

In a flash, Anders snapped, the stress of the past few days finally taking it toll on him. He rounded on Fenris, his flesh beginning to crackle with the emergence of Justice as he pinned the unsuspecting elf against the wall.

"Do you truly hate our kind so much, you fucking selfish _bastard, that you would refuse to help while your child lies dying in her womb?!_ " By the end of the question, he was full on Justice, glowing blue, eyes flashing blindingly.

"Child…?" Fenris gasped, eyes wide, his breath stolen more by Anders'/Justice's revelation than by the force of meeting the wall behind him. 

"You honestly don't know?" Justice's light blinked out instantly, leaving only Anders who lowered his arm in disbelief, releasing Fenris.

The elf stood still in shock.

"They are dying. We don't have time for this," Anders sighed. "Are you going to help? Or not?"

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on diverging from canon here. I'm assuming most have already done at least one play through of the game, so here on out it's more of a "what if". Also, I plan on using as little game dialogue as possible. Some lines are too brilliant to pass up, but for the most part, I am not going to rehash what we already know. 
> 
> I will try for semi-regular updates, but I only have through chapter 3 completed (and sometimes life gets complicated). 
> 
> And again... I have no beta, so all grammar issues are clearly my own.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders asks some rather pointed questions. Fenris does some soul searching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon the rather terrible chapter summary. I kinda suck at them. Actually, I find them hard to do without giving away chapter spoilers.
> 
> This is actually what started the entire fic. Where things go from here, I'm not even sure my Muse knows...

Fenris could not believe what he was hearing and his mind went blank with confusion. Hawke was pregnant with his child? 

"You'll have to direct me," Anders said as he resumed his place next to Hawke's bed, assuming that Fenris' silence meant that he would help. "I don't want to just force the power from you."

"Danarius had a special leash that he used," Fenris admitted reluctantly as he moved to stand behind the mage, just slightly to the right so he could still see Hawke where she lay, unmoving on her bed. Her face was pale, deathly in its clammy pallor. "I am unsure, myself, how to simply pass my power to you. I was never a willing participant, nor have I taken the opportunity to be one." 

While he was talking, Fenris removed his gauntlets. "Let us hope that this is enough," he said, reaching up to the back of Anders' neck and laying his hand along the mage's nape, the tips of his fingers reaching up into the mage's hair. Anders flinched at the touch, never expecting that the other would willingly, let alone gently, touch him. "It's probably best if my skin is touching yours, and I believe you will need both your hands," the elf explained.

Anders could immediately feel the difference in his magic. "Thank you," he said softly before turning his complete attention to Hawke.

Fenris felt the pull on his lyrium the instant he touched the back of Anders' neck. Swallowing quickly, he pushed his fear towards the back of his mind. Anders had no way of knowing why he was reluctant to allow the mage to use his lyrium to augment his magic, that the entire experience would bring nothing but pain to his entire body. While he worked, Fenris knew he would feel everything. He would feel the intent behind the casting, as well as the effects it would have on the recipient. Danarius had only used him for malicious, horrendously violent spells, ones that were particularly nasty and would task his former master's skill and mana beyond even what blood magic could aid. And every experience had left him wracked with pain. 

Yet this was quickly something different entirely. A feeling of warmth suffused along the veins of lyrium running through his flesh, pulling tenderly along his arm and through his fingers into the back of Anders' neck. Fenris could feel the gentle waves of healing magic as they caressed their way through Hawke's battered, bruised, and torn body, repairing the massive gash in her side before they split into separate, distinct tendrils to address other, more minor individual wounds and hurts. When finished they suddenly converged again, twisting and twining with each other as Anders focused his spell around Raine's abdomen. 

Fenris gasped in shock as he felt what was there. He could feel as Anders' magic lovingly began to cradle the burgeoning life that was only just beginning to take hold of existence in this world. The tendrils of magic then began working a complicated dance of healing. Some cradling the child, holding it, protecting it against the damage the Arishok's blade had done to Hawke's midsection. Others began repairing the bruising to Hawke's womb while others still, miniscule in size, attempted to coax the new life to hold on, to continue living until the healing was complete. 

The elf became lost in the experience, completely enrapt by sensations flooding through him. This was his child? Why hadn't Hawke told him? Or had she tried to the night he stormed out of the Hanged Man, thinking she wanted to confess a relationship with the abomination? Anders was right. He was a fool. He prayed that it wasn't too late to correct things, to make up for his mistake like he had tried to do that night he overheard their conversation and assumed the worst. But most of all, he prayed for the young life that he now felt cradled in the warmth of Anders' healing magic. He focused his thoughts on the child, praying it would live. It would be far too tragic for it to end now before it had a chance at life. 

But what sort of life would it have? As soon as Danarius discovered it, the child would become a target for his former master's vengeance. Yet even that fear could not diminish the awe of what he sensed at the ends of Ander's healing magic. He was so lost in his thoughts, in the beauty of being able to feel the growing life inside Hawke's womb as well as his worry and concern for its well being and his prayers that it would survive and Danarius had given up and would never find it, that he failed to notice when Anders had finally finished his work. 

"Fenris," Anders' voice broke through his thoughts. 

Fenris turned towards the mage in time to catch him as he fell to his knees. 

"I've done all that I can," Anders said as Fenris directed him towards the chair near the fireplace. "More than I would have been able to do without your aid. Thank you."

Again, the elf only nodded, still filled with quiet, amazed confusion. 

"I still don't understand why you thought we were lovers, or why you spurned her, turning her away saying that you wanted nothing to do with her anymore. You've been shadowing her ever since that night you left her standing in tears outside Varric's door."

"I…" Fenris began and faltered, pacing the room in his uncertainty and not sure of what to say or where to start.

"Pull it together, man," Anders said not quite as forcefully as he intended, his exhaustion clearly showing through. "Just tell me where this whole thing went wrong. And why the hell did you think the two of us were in a relationship?"

"I came by, the other night," Fenris began again. "I… wanted to apologize. Bodhan let me in, but wasn't aware that you were with Hawke. I overheard your conversation. You were pushing her to talk to me. To tell me about something that she was hiding from me. When you threatened to tell me yourself and she got so angry, I assumed the worst. I saw how you touched her, how you held her. You called her…" his voice faded. He had never said anything so gentle, so loving to Raine. It pained him that someone else had. "I thought she had moved on and it was too late, so I left. When she tried to talk to me the next night at the Hanged Man…" his voice faltered again. He really was a fool.

"You thought you knew what she was trying to say and told her you wanted nothing to do with her," Anders finished for him. 

Fenris nodded.

Anders sighed. "You really are…"

"A fool," Fenris interrupted to Anders' surprise. "Never in my life has that been more apparent than now." 

There was no sarcasm, no arrogance hidden behind those words, only truth. Anders watched in continued surprise as Fenris walked back around the bed to sit gently on its edge at Hawke's side. The tenderness that he witnessed as Fenris gently brushed the sweat-damp hair from her forehead made him blush. 

"Will it survive?" Fenris asked tentatively, those same fingers that had just caressed Hawke's face reverently ghosting across her stomach.

"It should," Anders said hopefully. "But it's still too soon to say. They both took quite a beating. I will say this, the hardest thing will be keeping her in bed for as long as is needed."

Fenris laughed at that. "Keep an eye on her. Please," he said as he stood and made is way towards the door. It didn't matter what he wanted. He was a danger to the both of them if Danarius ever found them. He would not be so selfish as to endanger them for a chance at happiness.

"Wait!" Anders called to him. "You're leaving again?"

"What would you have me do?" Fenris asked in resignation. "My staying would be a danger to her. To the child."

"She needs you, Fenris. Your child needs its father."

"Danarius…"

"Danarius be damned!" Anders raged. "You're using him as an excuse to run away from your responsibility!"

"If he finds out…"

"You selfish son of a bitch!" Anders interrupted him for a second time, Justice pushing his way to the surface again. His eyes blazed blue, and though he still tried to hold the spirit down, the mage was a breath away from letting his Fade companion tear the elf apart. "Quit playing the fucking martyr and think about someone other than yourself for once! What about her? What about _your child?_ Have you forgotten what she is? She's an _apostate_ , Fenris. The Templars in this city are a far greater, far more immediate threat to her than your former master will ever be. She pretty much announced to the entire fucking city that she's a rogue mage with that duel _you_ instigated between her and the Arishok tonight. As a result, her existence outside the Circle depends solely on Meredith's pleasure. Your child could lose its mother the moment it's born." 

Horror dawned on Fenris' face. "I didn't think…" his voice faded.

"Exactly," Anders replied. "You didn't think. You never think. You're too consumed with being the runaway slave to be the free man you claim to be." Fenris glared at him, opening his mouth to argue back but Anders continued. "Regardless of what you might claim, Danarius still holds your leash."

Fenris remained silent, glaring at the abomination. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could argue. The witch, Flemeth, had said as much to him when they took her cursed amulet to the top of Sundermount and released her back into the world. Anders refused to back down, returning his gaze with the weight of Justice behind it, and Fenris knew he had been judged. He sighed, his gaze softening as it shifted back towards Hawke where she now lay under the covers. She looked so fragile. 

"Stay with her," Anders said gently, taking advantage of the longing he saw in the other's eyes. "They need you. She needs you. Morale is just as important to healing as medicine and rest are."

"I don't know if I can do this…" Fenris said, torn between what his mind was telling him and what his heart felt. 

"Life is always uncertain." Anders replied. "Besides, that's not your decision any more. You lost that choice the night you slept with her. " He sighed. He and Justice were tired of this argument. "I know that this is what you truly want. Hell, everyone can see it. So what is it that makes this so damned hard for you?"

Fenris looked up, his eyes meeting Anders, and he saw it. For one fleeting moment, before it was pushed down into the depths, Anders saw it. Fear. True, absolute fear. And though he understood, he would never forgive the elf if he left now.

"You are going to stay," the mage pressed. "And when she wakes up, you are going to explain yourself. Then you will beg her for forgiveness."

"You cannot force me," Fenris growled.

"No, I cant," Anders agreed. "But I will tell you this. If you leave, you might as well haul ass back to Tevinter and save Danarius the trouble of looking for you, because I will let everyone of our friends downstairs know exactly what kind of asshole you are, and that you are not worth saving."

"You dare threaten me, mage!"

Anders smiled. "What are you fighting for?"

Fenris was taken aback by the sudden shift in questioning. "Have you not been paying attention?"

"Humor me," the mage demanded. "Answer the question."

"I want to be free."

"Yes. But what is freedom?"

The elf glared. "I don't see the point in having philosophical discussions with you over this."

"No, you wouldn't," Anders sneered. "Just answer the damned question. When you ran away, what were the driving thoughts behind why you wanted to be free?"

Fenris refused to answer. He was not going to share that experience with the abomination. That he had shared it with Hawke was, in its self, unusual. Still, those memories rose to the front of his mind. He learned so much from the Fog Warriors. What happened was tragic. They treated him like a person, not a possession. And look at how he repaid them. The sight of their broken, bloody bodies would haunt him for the rest of his life. They had taken him in, made him a part of their family, and he killed them down to the last child. Yet in that memory, he wanted to be his own man, wanted to make his own choices. To go where and when he pleased. To be what they showed him was possible.

His eyes shifting towards Hawke, he realized what he wanted was more than that. He wanted to love without fear of it being taken away. And yes, maybe even have a family. It galled him to know that the abomination, of all people, was right. This was what he wanted. If he walked out now, if he chose to ignore what was right in front of him for fear, then he might as well go back to Danarius and reclaim his leash, the leash that he still wore despite its physical absence from his life. 

Before he could realize it, he was sitting back at Ygraine's side, his hand brushing back that same stray lock of hair.

"You, of all people, know exactly how strong she is," Anders said softly from the door. "Do not mock her by denying that strength, or the strength of the others downstairs. When Danarius comes, you know you exactly how that fight will end."

"And when this fight occurs, where will you be?" Fenris asked.

"In the back of the room. Healing your glowing ass like I have been for the last four years."

"This does nothing to change the fact that I do not like you," Fenris said with a smirk.

"Nor does it change anything for me," Anders said as he opened the door. "I am going downstairs to let everyone else know how she's doing. They're more than likely still in the kitchen waiting for news," Anders continued. "That and I think Bodhan will have the guest room set up by now. I'll rest there in case I'm needed again. Do you need anything?"

"No. I'm fine, Anders," Fenris replied. "I'll call if anything changes." He didn't look up to watch the mage leave. His eyes remained fixed where his fingers lay, gently caressing Hawke's belly in amazement at what he knew lay just below the surface.

"I'll be back to check on her in a few hours," Anders said. With that, the mage left the room. He had not failed to notice that for the first time since they had met, Fenris had used his given name. He had not called him mage, or abomination, or demon. Nor had there been any resentment in his tone. Shaking his head he made his way downstairs and into the kitchen where he knew the rest of the crew were waiting for an update regarding their friend's condition. 

*****


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric has a "talk" with Fenris regarding his recent choices. Fenris has an epiphany. And Hawke finally wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been brought to my attention that I have neglected to actually mention my Hawke's first name. Terribly sorry for that, I have edited previous chapters to correct this.

Varric stood in the shadows outside Hawke's room, cursing his curiosity.  It was a rare thing to happen with him, and it only served to further stoke his anger.  But he couldn't help it.  He had heard everything.  Hawke's pregnancy.  Fenris' half-assed attempt to beg Anders to take care of her while he ran away, again. No wonder the both of them were mad as hell with the elven warrior.  It didn't matter that Anders had tentatively convinced the Maker be damned elf to stay.  Varric receded farther into the shadows of the small alcove he hid in as Anders latched the door to Hawke's room behind him and crossed the balcony to descend the stairs. He didn't want to be seen. Once Anders had moved off into the kitchen, and Varric was sure he wasn't coming back, the dwarf moved towards Hawke's room.  The healer had had his say.  Now it was his turn.

*****

Fenris barely looked up from where he sat on the bed when he heard the door quietly open and close behind him, thinking it was Anders returning for something he had forgotten. Maybe the mage had brought him something from the kitchen even though he had said he didn't need anything.  So needless to say, it more than surprised him to hear Varric's cold voice break the silence in the room.

"Now that things have calmed down a little," the angry dwarf said, "I think it's time you and I had a talk, Fenris."

Fenris startled at hearing Varric in the room with him, jumping as he turned his head to meet the dwarf's cold, angry eyes.  He couldn't help but remain seated, pinned to the chair where he sat next to Raine's bedside.  His throat bobbed as he swallowed.  He had only seen the dwarf this angry one other time, and that was when Bartrand had left them locked in the Deep Roads.  It unsettled him to see that look leveled at him.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he shook his head at the dwarf. "There is nothing to talk about," he said, his voice calmer than he felt. 

"Oh, but I think there is," Varric replied.  "You see, I've watched the two of you dance around each other for the last three years."  He pointed between the both of them.  "Hell, I even thought you had grown as a person, Fenris, when you started to show some semblance of thinking that not every mage is an abomination in training."  He shook his head, eyes closed as if trying to gather his thoughts.  "Then you pulled that shit over two months ago. Now, I'm not going to pretend to begin to understand what was going on inside that mind of yours, but you had a real chance at breaking free of your chains and you fucked it up."

"Varric," Fenris tried to interrupt.

"No. Let me finish," the dwarf snapped.  "Did you know? When you left her in tears outside my room that night, did you know?"

Fenris shook his head.  "No, I did not. It was a misunderstanding."

"Misunderstanding? That's one hell of a misunderstanding, Fenris?"

"I was a fool." The truth grated on him, along with the fact that this was the second time tonight he was having to admit it.

"I'll say," Varric said without mirth.  "And what do you intend to do now that you know the truth?"

"I don't know," the elf answered honestly.

"Not good enough."

Fenris sighed. "What would you have of me, Varric?"

"Are you going to stay?" the other asked.  "Or you going to turn coward and run the next time this gets difficult?"

With a low growl, Fenris rose from his seat, anger welling up.

"Don't bristle at me like that, you angsty porcupine.  She's the only family I have left," he pointed to Hawke's unconscious form lying in the bed.  "Hell, we're all family, mismatched as we are. Daisy's clan abandoned her. Avaline's never survived the blight. As complicated as Anders is, he has no one other than us and that damned spirit.  And Hawke… we're all she has left, too.  We're all that any of us has left.  I'd even go as far as to lay good money down that we're the closest thing you've had to a family in your entire life."

"Do not presume…" Fenris continued to bristle.

"I don't," Varric, looking Fenris straight in the eyes, glared defiantly at the elf, dared to advance on him, poking elven warrior in the chest to emphasize his point as he continued.  " _You_ may not want to admit it, but it's true.  And if you _ever_ hurt her again, I promise you you'll regret it.  So _don't_ fuck this up again." Taking a step back, he distanced himself from the other before he could recover from his shock and relieve him of his heart.  "You know I don't give second chances.  Just ask Bartrand.  Oh wait. That's right.  You can't."

"Is that all?"  Fenris growled.

"If I ever hear about you even _thinking_ of sneaking away again, Bianca won't be as nice as Blondie," he finished.

Fenris tilted his head in question, raising his chin with a hint of defiance.    
"You won't even make it out of Hightown, let alone the city gates," Varric answered as he turned towards the door to go. 

Fenris glared at the door as Varric shut it behind him, his mind in turmoil. Anger warred with shame and regret.  To make it worse, he wasn't exactly sure who he was mad at, Anders and Varric, or himself. They had only spoken the truth.

Rubbing his now bruised chest, he turned back to Raine.  She looked so frail lying there.  Quietly, he stood and moved over to the other side of the bed. With as little jostling as he could, he gently shifted her towards the side of the bed closer to the fire. The nights had been getting colder and he wanted her to be as comfortable as possible.  She didn't need to catch chill in her weakened condition. 

*****

The next few days, Fenris never left Ygraine's side.  He ate his meals at the small desk at the side of her room. He washed up when needed from the basin near the wardrobe.  He sat in the chair, rarely sleeping, if at all, and watched for any sign of her waking up.  Anders tried to get him to leave the room, to take a break from his self-imposed vigil, but the elf would not hear it.  He wasn't going to leave her side until he knew she was going to be okay.

During this time, his mind sifted through everything.  His pain.  His cowardice. The words of his friends. No.  The words of his family.  Varric was right.  Mismatched as they were, they were one large, dysfunctional, yet oddly tight-knit family.  His only one in memory. 

Three days passed, and Fenris found himself sitting on the bed, his legs crossed underneath him, his hand wandering to Hawke's belly.  The memory of what he had felt through Anders' magic was still vivid in his mind, burned there in awe forever.  Of all his memories, this one he never wanted to lose. It was such a precious thing. Never in his life could he say he had ever felt something so beautiful, so miraculous.  So unspoiled.

And he had nearly ruined it. 

Thoughts of freedom crossed his mind as his fingers ghosted across the flat of her stomach, wondering how long it would take for her to show.  Anders' question still plagued him. What was freedom? What was he fighting to gain? All the while, these questions warred with what he had almost had lost.  What he still might lose if Hawke didn't forgive him.

He wanted to be free to make his own choices.  He wanted to be happy without the fear of it going bad.  He wanted to have something for himself and not have the fear of losing it.  Then it hit him, hard, the revelation painful in itself.  Gasping in realization he stared at the blankets that hid Hawke's now pregnant belly from him.  How could he have been so stupid?

He had it all wrong.

Freedom was not what he had thought it was.  It never had been.  It wasn't having something that would never be taken from him.  It wasn't the absence of the fear of constantly losing something or someone he loved. 

It was the ability to fight to keep what was already his. 

Anders was right, painful as that was.  Nothing was certain.  Meredith and her blighted Templars would always be a threat to Hawke and their child. Any moment, should the Knight-Commander's whims sail that way, Raine could be carted off to the Gallows.  Maker only knew when Danarius would finally catch up to him now that Hadriana was dead. But Fenris realized he could still fight, and he'd be damned if he allowed anyone to take from him ever again. As long as he could fight, could stand and draw breath, he was already free.

Relief washed over him.  For the first time since Seheron, Fenris truly felt at ease with himself and with his place in the world. Before he knew it, he had uncurled himself and lay on the bed next to Hawke, fatigue crashing through his relief.  In moments, sleep claimed him, his last conscious thoughts on his yet unborn child that had already given him so much. 

*****

As Ygraine slowly drifted back into consciousness, the first thing she realized was the warmth.  To her right, she could vaguely feel the crackle of a fire.  To her left, though equally warm, whatever it was, it was far more substantial in its presence. Her mind drifted through the haze of semi-consciousness as she struggled to regain her bearings. The last thing she remembered was crying out to Anders, having finally defeated the Arishok. Sudden fear lanced through her. Her child!  The Arishok had landed a solid blow to her side, tearing her open.

She opened her eyes to the sight of her bed's canopy hovering peacefully above her.  So she had been moved.  That explained the fire she felt just off to her right.  Closing her eyes, Ygraine sighed in relief.  If she was in her bed, things could not be too terrible.  At least she had been brought home.  But that still did not explain what she felt on her other side.  Her left side felt heavy and a little numb. In fear, she attempted to sit up, only to find that she couldn't.  Her limbs weighted down and lethargic.  She groaned in frustration, a small pain lancing through her ribs where the Arishok's blade had done a good portion of its damage.

"Fuck you, Anders," she mumbled a curse.  Leave it to the other mage to have found a way to manipulate a basic paralysis spell into a mild, and annoying, form of immobility in order to keep his patients in bed. Regardless, that shouldn't be why her left side felt a slight weight pressing her down into her mattress. Slowly, she turned her head and looked down at her left side. 

Shocked, she could only stare at what she found.

Atop the covers lay Fenris, curled against her and deep asleep.  His head lay on the mattress in the crook of her waist, his forehead pressed against her, and his legs, curled up as he was, held hers down.  One leg was stretched out, his foot hanging off the end of the bed, while the other was thrown across her knees.  What was most surprising, though, was his arm, bent and pinning down her hips, his hand possessively stretched across her belly.

"Maker damn it all, Fenris," she mumbled. She could feel tears starting to form in her eyes.  "After all you've said…"  She couldn't stand it. It was too painful. The blighted elf had made it totally clear that he wanted nothing to do with what he seemed now to be possessively guarding in his sleep.

"I see that you're finally awake," she heard Anders' voice from the door.

"Yes.  I am," she replied.

"I was just coming in to check on you. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit," she growled. "Now kindly undo this damned spell you have pinning me to this bed so that I can kick this ungrateful elf out of it."

"Go easy on him," Anders said, much to her surprise as he neared the bed.

"Excuse me?" she replied in complete shock.  "Where the hell is Anders?  Don't tell me Justice has suddenly developed a sick, twisted sense of humor.  Or maybe you were the one to duel the Arishok and took a blow to the head."

Anders chuckled as he came around to her side of the bed to check on her.  "I did no such thing.  And no, I am not releasing you, as of yet.  You need some serious bed rest after that little fright you gave all of us." His hands began traveling over her, a faint blue glow to them as he assessed her condition.

"And what about him?" Hawke had finally worked her arm from underneath the covers to gesture weakly at the offending elf.

"I hate to find myself defending him," the mage said softly.  "But I honestly think this is the first time I've seen him asleep since we brought you home after defeating the Arishok."

"But he said…"

"I know, love.  But he was wrong.  He didn't hear as much as the conversation as we thought. And what he did hear created the worst of misunderstandings."

Hawke just glared at the other mage. Why wouldn't he just spit it out? Never has she heard Anders at a loss for words.

"He thought you and I had become lovers."

"What?"

"Exactly.  He never heard the part about you being with child. All he heard was us arguing."

"And from that he got that we were lovers? I'm… We're… Does he even pay attention?"

"I know," Anders sat on the side of the bed and caressed her face.  "I'd give him a second chance.  We haven't been able to separate him from you for the last three days."

"I've been out for three days?"

Anders nodded again.

"And my child?"  Hawke asked in fear.

"It should be fine.  We got to the both of you in time."

"Thank the Maker."

"No," Anders shook his head. "Thank Fenris."

Ygraine looked at the other mage, questioningly.

"He allowed me to use his lyrium in order to save the both of you."

"He…?"  Ygraine choked with emotion.  "He what?"

"He let me use his lyrium. I was beyond exhausted, Raine. And the fine details to healing a child inside the womb would have been beyond my capability even had I been fully rested.  We would have lost the both of you had he not helped."

"But the pain…" she whispered, her leaden hand trying to rise to stroke the elf's hair.

"Pain?" Anders asked.

She shook her head, unwilling to answer what Fenris had not said for himself.

Anders nodded in understanding and rose from the bed.  "I'll go see Bodhan about getting you something to eat," the mage replied softly as he leaned down to place a gentle kiss atop Hawke's head.

"I'll be back in a bit," he smiled wearily at her before exiting the room.

As the door shut, Ygraine turned her face towards Fenris.  "You honestly thought…"  Despite the explanation, she was still furious with him.  If he had only asked, the damned fool would have known the truth.  Instead, he assumed the worst, leaving her for a second time.  Tucking her arm back underneath the covers, she turned her head to gaze at the fire.  Better to idly watch its crackling flames rise and fall than to watch Fenris sleep so peacefully by her side.  She didn't want to think about him at the moment.  It was too painful, too raw.  She let her gaze fall across the flames, losing herself in their destructive beauty. If she could lose herself deep enough, maybe she could pretend she was alone in the bed.  She could only assume that by his presence, so protectively wrapped around her, that Fenris had changed his mind about leaving. Did he intend to apologize? Was he hoping he could come back and reclaim what he had so heartlessly thrown aside?  From what Anders had told her it was entirely possible.

Only this time, after all the pain, she wasn't sure if she wanted to take him back.

*****


	5. Art Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artwork by [reellifejaneway](http://archiveofourown.org/users/reellifejaneway).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reellifejaneway was kind enough to answer my call for art, and she did such a wonderful job on this that my silly little note here hardly does justice to the gratitude I have for her taking the time to do such an amazing piece of art for me.
> 
> If you're interested in any of her artwork, here is a link to her [deviantART page](http://reellifejaneway2.deviantart.com/journal/ReelLifeJaneway2-s-Commission-Journal-486095456).

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Hawke finally have a conversation.

Fenris woke feeling more rested than he had since leaving Seheron. That is, until he realized that not only was he wrapped most possessively around Raine, but that she was awake and rather pointedly staring at her fireplace, ignoring him. Reluctantly, he sat up, releasing her from his hold.  He instantly regretted the loss of her in his arms.

"Hawke..." he hesitated when she didn't respond.  Where to start?  There was so much to apologize for.  "Raine..."

"Don't," she growled, her voice low and almost inaudible.  Fenris knew that voice.  It was the voice Raine reserved for when she was truly angry.  He had learned early during his time with her that if she were yelling at you, you were likely safe. If she was yelling at you, there was a chance, but once she became quiet, sparks were going to fly. Quite literally.

Sitting up straighter, he inched back on the mattress, putting more distance between the two of them, but refusing to completely leave her side. Anders and Varric were right, he needed to make things right between the two of them.  It would be painful, but if they were to have any hope of a future, he needed to rectify things.

"I understand your anger, Raine," he began again.

"No. You don't," she interrupted, her voice tightly controlled.

Fenris swallowed.  Never had he heard, felt, such tightly leashed emotion from Ygraine.  The fear of it stunned him into silence. She had yet to turn his direction, nor had she acknowledged his presence except with the sound of her voice.

"You have _no_ idea," she continued.  "You made yourself perfectly clear.  You've walked away from me twice.  I will not suffer the chance of a third."

He opened his mouth to interrupt, to tell her there would be no third time, that he would never leave her side again.  Instead, he sat in painful silence as, with two simple, irrevocable words, Hawke unleashed months of frustration, anger, and pain.   He desperately wanted to say something, but found his voice lost to fear, hurt, and regret as she spoke the last two words he wanted to hear and his heart died with the finality of their tone.

"Get. Out."

*****

Anders paused just outside Hawke's room, a tray with food in his hands, when he saw Fenris exit, shutting the door quietly behind him.  "Fenris?" he called out, trying to get the despondent elf's attention.  Never before had he seen the other look so small, his shoulders hunched as he turned in on himself.  It were as if he was trying to make himself unseen, unnoticeable.  "Where are you going?" Anders asked gently.

"She told me to get out," Fenris answered softly, his gaze never wavering from the floor in front of him.  "I am following her wishes."

The mage stared in shock.  He had never seen Fenris like this.  If he had to describe it, he would say the elf were truly broken.  Was this how he looked before he found the courage to flee Denarius? 

"What?" he sputtered in confusion.

"Hawke told me to leave.  I am leaving."

Anders shook his head, his mind reeling for a way to fix this before Fenris crawled in to a bottle to never be found again.  "She told you to leave the room," he said firmly. "She didn't tell you to leave the house.  The others are still in the kitchen, so why don't you go wait for me in the library. Let me talk to her. I'll be back down as soon as I've given Raine some food."

"Why?" Fenris asked, brokenly.  "What good would that do?"

"Because if you leave now, you'll only be proving her right.  That leaving is the only thing you know how to do when things get difficult."

Fenris straightened a little at that, and with a small nod, he walked around Anders and down the stairs.  Anders waited, refusing to enter Hawke's room until he had seen Fenris enter the library as asked. It was with a frustrated sigh that he opened the door to Hawke's room.  The two of them would be the death of him.

As he shut the door, Anders noticed the sound of soft, quiet crying from the direction of Hawke's bed.  Shaking his head, he walked over and set the tray down on the bedside table.  With a sigh he walked around the bed to the side Hawke lay on and sat down next to her, brushing her hair back from her face in comfort. 

"Can you please release me from this damned spell?" she asked quietly between tears. 

"Sure," he whispered gently. With a wave of his hand, he released the invisible glyph holding her to the bed.  "Just make sure you stay in bed, please." As soon as she could move, Hawke curled up around him, holding on to his waist, her head in his lap, crying in earnest. 

"Oh, love," Anders murmured, running his fingers through her hair gently.  "If you were going to cry this much, why did you send him away?"

"Because it hurts," Hawke said in a small voice.  "And he'll just leave again if I take him back…  I couldn't…" her voice hitched, a small sob shaking her body. "I can't…" She shook her head, unable to voice the pain she felt inside.

Anders sighed.  "At least let him explain himself."  He stilled his hand, holding her to him when he felt her stiffen at the suggestion.  "I'm not saying take him back." He began rubbing circles gently across her back and shoulders.  "Just listen to him.  Give him a chance to say his peace.  That way, if this is truly what you want, he can't come back and say you never gave him the chance."

Hawke looked up at him suspiciously through her tear soaked lashes. 

"Please," he asked. "If not for yourself, Raine, then do it for your child."

"That's a low blow," Hawke said. "Even for you."

"Yes," Anders tried not to smile. "But you know I'm right. You're an emotional mess right now," he continued.  "Don't look at me like that.  Who wouldn't be in your situation?  You're two, three months pregnant.  Your city has been under attack and nearly crushed beneath the invading forces of the Qunari whose leader you happened to defeat, very narrowly, in single combat.  You also almost lost your life and the life of your unborn child.  So don't make any hasty decisions."

"You know it almost sounds absurd when you say it like that," Hawke said wryly.

"Yes, well that's why Varric tells the stories.  Not me."

"Fine," she replied with an exasperated sigh as she untangled herself from his hold and sat up. "Let's do this now. Before I have time to regret you talking me into this."

The healer nodded, moving to help prop Hawke up with the pillows from the bed.  "You need to eat, first."

"I'll eat when I'm done with talking with Fenris."

Anders raised his hands in defeat. "What ever you say. Just make sure you stay in this bed."

"I will."

"Good.  Because if you don't…" he let the threat hang in the air.

"If you _ever_ , so much as _think_ about using that spell on me again, I swear to the Maker and Andraste his holy bride that I will set your feathers on fire."

"Good to know, Raine.  Good to know."  With a small, hidden smile on his lips, Anders left to find Fenris, though not before setting the tray with Hawke's food on her lap. It was an old threat, one that was never made or taken seriously.  She had used with him almost since the day they met whenever she was annoyed with him, but never when she was angry.  If Raine was threatening to set his precious coat on fire, things couldn't be all that bad.  Now all he could do was hope that Fenris was still in the library.

*****

Ygraine stared at the now empty bowl in front of her.  She hadn't even realized that she was eating until her spoon hit the empty bottom.  With a heavy sigh she put the bowl back on the tray and leaned over to set the tray on the bedside table.  She wasn't looking forward to the conversation she was going to have with Fenris.  Hell, she didn't want to have the conversation at all. 

She was so confused.  Her heart was a mess of conflicting feelings and emotions.  Part of her wanted nothing more than to scream at the blighted elf for all the pain he had caused her.  Another part of her, to her dismay, understood Fenris' misunderstanding and wanted to forgive him. Not many understood her and Anders' relationship.  The fact that the two of them were so close, yet not in a physical, sexual relationship boggled the mind of many.  That is, unless they understood Anders.  Besides, though she liked the healer, she didn't like sharing, and the idea of being in a relationship, making love to a man that had a spirit in his head, watching from the inside out, unsettled her.  It was one thing to be best friends, to share that friendship with two individuals in one body.  It was entirely another to share herself, her body and soul, with two others regardless of the situation.

Not that it mattered.  Fenris had claimed her affections almost since the first time she had laid eyes on him, dark and mysterious, his hand dripping blood as he strode down the stairs into the Alienage with an air of defiance and strength that bordered on arrogance.  It was his voice, though, that had finished her off.  The moment he opened his mouth to apologize for his deception and the inconvenience of an empty chest something inside of her woke up, leaving her wanting to hear more of his deep, soothing voice.

At the memory of that distant night, a tumble of images flooded through her mind, each one distinct and vivid. Fenris as he laughed at something inconsequential that she had said during a game of Wicked Grace. Fenris sitting by the fire in his usurped mansion, struggling to sound out the words in the book she had given him. Fenris clinging to her as he moved above her, brands lit with pleasure as she cried out for more.

Fenris, curled around her in a more peaceful sleep than she had ever seen him, his hand resting on her belly.

Hawke shook her head, trying to clear the images crowding her mind, demanding that she forgive Fenris.  "Maker's breath…" she sighed in defeat, knowing in her heart that she had already forgiven him. 

The door opened, and Ygraine lifted her eyes to see Fenris enter the room, shoulders slumped in defeat.  Her eyes widened at the sight of him. Never had she seen him look so broken, as if the fight had left him completely.  As he walked across the room to stand by her bedside, his eyes never left the floor, never once looked up in her direction as he came to a stop by her side.  Her once proud, defiant warrior now stood beside her, broken in submission.  It was in that moment she knew, beyond any doubt, the true extent the burden of his regret and of his love for her.

But she needed to know.  Before she could relieve him of his guilty conscience, she had to ask, needed to hear from him exactly where things went wrong. She needed to hear him apologize. Not out of spite, but to assuage her own doubts and fears.

"Why?" she asked, her voice more firm in resolve than she felt.

"Because I was a fool," Fenris began, refusing to look up as he answered.  "I left in fear for the reasons that I told you that night. But it was more than that." He swallowed, collecting his thoughts, gathering his courage.  "I have never known what it is to love, or to be loved.  At least not in my life since the markings. As a slave, it was a matter of survival to not hold anything dear lest it be taken from you.  To actually have something I want for myself, to hold close and to cherish, goes against everything I have been conditioned to accept in my life.  I thought if I walked away, if I left on my own terms, I wouldn't have to lose you, have you taken from me against my will."

"That still doesn't explain why you thought Anders and I were in a relationship."

"I was a fool.  I had come over to speak with you, saw the two of you arguing the night before we last spoke in the Hanged Man. In my fear, I misinterpreted the situation."

"You never asked…"

"I thought it best if I were no longer a part of your life," Fenris answered, eyes still downcast. "If you had moved on, Denarius could no longer use you as leverage against me.  I had hurt you, badly, but you were still alive and no longer threatened by the shadow that is my former master."

"Fenris."  Ygraine watched as the elf's eyes flew up, finally, for the first time in the conversation meeting hers.  "Damn it all," she cursed. "You mean to tell me that all of this… this… mess…"  Hawke waived her hands, at a complete loss, trying to find the appropriate words to say.  "Fuck!"

Fenris flinched, drawing back in on himself. Ygraine sighed. "So what do we do now? Now that you know the truth?"

"I cannot ask that you forgive me," Fenris replied.  "It is too much to ask.  I have hurt you too deeply.  If you wish for me to leave, I will.  But please, at least allow me to know my child?  It will likely be the only one I have."

Silence stretched through the room as Raine could not find a way to respond.  Everything she had planned, all the words of frustration and pain faded at the mere thought of what Fenris might be saying.  That he would never be with anyone else, despite not being with her. Fenris shuffled his feet, shifting as if to leave, taking her silence for dismissal. 

With a heavy sigh, she buried her face in her hands, trying to scrub away the weariness of the entire situation.

"I should go," Fenris interrupted. "I have tired you, and you need your rest."

"Oh for the love of the Maker, would you just sit down!" Hawke snapped, pointing angrily at the edge of the bed beside her.  Fenris startled, looking up wildly, his eyes shifting uncertainly to the spot on the bed next to Raine.  "Sit!"

Reluctantly, Fenris sat. 

"This isn't going to fix itself in a single conversation," she said more evenly.  "And I find it difficult to be looking up at you so constantly."

They sat in silence, awkward as it was, for several moments, each not looking at the other.  Eventually, Ygraine reached out a hand in tentative forgiveness, her fingers trailing gently over the lyrium lines branded into the back of Fenris' hand.  Fenris tensed at her touch, wanting more, but knowing he did not deserve even this.

"Anders said you allowed him to use your lyrium to save me.  To save our child," she said softly. 

"Yes."

"Thank you," she whispered, her fingers closing around his.  "For you to put yourself through that much pain for my sake…" her voice drifted off.  "Thank you."

"There was no pain," Fenris replied.

"What?"

"There was no pain," he repeated.

"But I thought…?"

"So did I," Fenris agreed. "I cannot say why it was different," he continued.  "Maybe it was because I was willing.  Maybe it was because Anders' intention was to save, to heal and not hurt.  I don't know. But what I do know," Fenris looked Hawke directly in the eye, "is that I felt this." His gaze shifted to her belly as he picked up his hand, gently laying it on her stomach.  "I felt our child as he cradled it in his magic, desperate to keep the both of you alive.  I have never, in my life, felt anything more beautiful."

Fenris continued to gaze lovingly at her belly as if caught in a spell, the warmth of his fingers seeping into Raine's heart. "It was in that moment I knew exactly how much of a damned fool I had been.  I knew exactly what I had ruined and what I had lost. I'm sorry," his last word whispered in pain.

Raine gently lifter her hand to brush the tears from his eyes.  Never had she thought she would see this confident, defiant elf cry.  She pulled him to her, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, his head in the crook of her neck.  "Then stay," she whispered, kissing the top of his head in forgiveness.  "It will take time, but stay with us and make this right."


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke goes into labor. Fenris panics. Anders just shakes his head and does what he's best at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of fluff to apologize for all the angst I've put you through. I realize that, for some of you, this may seem out of character for Fenris. But I couldn't resist. Besides... I honestly think, that if you gave the man something he couldn't physically fight, he'd not know what to do with himself.

Fenris raced down the steps through the Amell estate, a mixture of fear and anxiety. In only moments, he was charging through the door to Anders' clinic.

"Anders!" he cried out in what, to the healer's surprise, looked to be a panic attack.

Thankfully, the patient that sat on the table in front of the mage had only minor cuts and scrapes that did not need magic to heal.  "Larine," he said calmly to his assistant, "can you finish this up and then douse the lanterns?  I think I'm done for the day.  I have a house call to make."

The woman nodded in response, quietly turning to the injured man and began wrapping his hand and arm with clean bandages.  Quickly, Anders grabbed a bag that he had set aside.  He had prepared it earlier in the week, knowing that this would be happening soon and that the elven warrior would likely have little patience for any delay.  Though he had to admit, the sight of Fenris rushing through the door of his clinic in a panic was a sight that would amuse him for a good while after this.

"How close is she?" Anders asked the elf as they walked out of the clinic.

Fenris only looked at him, unsure how to interpret the question.

Anders sighed. So it was going to be like this, he thought.  "Just tell me what happened."

"We were in the kitchen," Fenris began, worry clear in his voice, "getting ready for breakfast. I told her not to worry about it. That I could bring it to her. But you know how she is, she insisted on getting out of bed.  She's been uncomfortable all night, barely slept at all.  I wanted to come get you last night, but she refused. Said she was okay…" Fenris all but ran up the steps back into the estate, Anders struggling to keep up.  "But suddenly she doubled over in pain.  I tried to help.  I did.  But she said there was nothing I could do.  I couldn't help her.  There was a mess on the floor.  Like nothing I've seen before.  There was blood. And I couldn't help her. She said everything was fine, but then told me to get you."

Anders' nodded, his mind sifting through what almost appeared to be babble from the elf. It wouldn't be long, then if Hawke's water had already broken, which would be a good thing considering Fenris' state. "Tell me you at least helped her to the bed before you ran off to fetch me?  You didn't just leave her in the kitchen?"

"Orana and Bodahn were doing that.  Or at least I think they were.  They shooed me out of the kitchen, repeating what Raine had said.  That I needed to get you."

Anders stifled a chuckle.  It would not do to have Fenris think he was laughing at him, even though he was. "It's fine, Fenris. That is normal for the beginning of the birthing process.  It just means you'll be a father before the day is out."

Fenris stopped suddenly, looking at him in horror.  "That mess is normal?"

"Yes. And it'll only get messier before it's done."

Fenris blanched. How could it get worse than what he had already seen?

"You've never…?" the healer left the question unfinished, not sure how to ask.

"When, in my history, would I have had the chance?  Where would there have been a need?"

Anders nodded. "Then I need you to do me a favor," he said firmly as they entered the main room of the estate. "I need you to either sit by Raine's side and hold her hand, or sit in a corner and stay there. But don't get in my way. Please for the love of the Maker, don't over react.  Please."

"Why would I…"

The question remained unfinished as both men heard Hawke's scream from the bedroom above. Fenris immediately bolted up the stairs in a panic, taking them two and three at a time.

"Just like that," Anders mumbled.  "Yep."  He shook his head as he took off after the elf, only not quite as quickly. "This is going to be fun."

He entered Hawke's room to see Bodahn standing between Fenris and the bed that Hawke was laying on, trying desperately to calm the elf down.  Orana was sitting on the edge of the bed next to Hawke, patting her forehead with a damp cloth, soothing words whispering encouragement.

"It's alright, Orana, I'm here now," Anders announced to the other woman as he walked past Fenris, ignoring his questions as to what was wrong with Hawke.

"She's close, messere.  I'm not sure how close, but it seems to be coming quickly."  She nodded to the mage as she passed him in order to help Bodahn with the distraught elf.

"Messere Fenris, you will calm down right now," the serving girl said with more backbone than any one of them had heard from her before.  "You are not helping like this. Mistress needs you to be calm. Or I will have to ask you to leave." She pointed to the door. The elven warrior stopped his ranting, stunned into silence.  "That's better," she said in response.  "Bodahn, can you go let the others know that the little one is on its way.  I'm sure they'll want to know."

"Of course," the dwarf replied, hurrying from the room.

"Now, you," she turned to address Fenris.  "Follow me, messere."  With a gentle gesture, Orana stepped around Fenris to place her hand on his back.  "I want to show you something."  Gently she guided Fenris to the foot of the bed.

"She's in pain," Fenris said, his voice dripping with fear and concern.

"Yes, she is," Orana agreed.  "And this isn't something you can stick a sword in to fix, so it must be difficult for you.  But I assure you, everything is fine.  See?" she gestured with her free hand towards where Anders was sitting next to Hawke, assessing her condition, her other hand still softly guiding Fenris around the bed. "Let the healer do his work. If things were going wrong, I am sure he would let us know."

Fenris nodded, his voice caught in his throat at the sight of Raine, sweat-drenched and struggling on their bed. 

"Just sit with her," the elven servant continued, finally stopping at the head of the bed next to Hawke.  "Sit next to her and hold her hand.  Speak to her.  Calm her. Let her know you are here for her. If you can't, then go sit in the corner and wait.  Or wait downstairs for everyone to arrive."

Anders laughed a little to hear his words echoed by the elven servant.  "You can sit behind her," Anders said when Orana finished.

"What?" Fenris asked.

"Sit behind her," Anders said again.  "It's okay.  Hold her from behind and let her lean in to you," he added when Fenris looked hesitant. "It won't hurt her or the baby.  And it'll give you something to do to help."

Fenris nodded, climbing on to the bed behind Raine as gently as he could, laying back against the pillows and propping her up at a slight angle.  Orana spoke briefly with Anders then busied about the room, helping the mage when needed. 

"Hey," Hawke said as he wrapped his arms around her.  "I must look terrible," she tried to laugh as another contraction took her.

"Shhhh," he whispered in her ear, kissing the top of her head.  "I think you look beautiful."

"Don't lie," she replied.

Fenris chuckled and kissed the top of her head again, a little more relaxed now that he had something to do that could help.  "It's not a lie."  He tensed as Hawke screamed again, pain seizing her body.  "I've seen you at your worst.  Covered in blood, spider entrails, dragon gore…" He reached for the cloth that Orana had been using earlier, retrieving it from the basin of cool water she had been soothing Hawke's forehead with.  "You are always beautiful."  He smoothed back her hair, running the damp cloth across her forehead, down the back of her neck. 

"This one seems to be in hurry to meet us," Anders interrupted.  "It shouldn't be much longer."

Fenris nodded. Hawke screamed out. Orana silently hung back behind Anders, waiting for directions should the mage need something. Time seemed suspended and all conversation stopped, save for Ander's encouraging words.

*****

One final scream ripped from Hawke's abused voice, followed shortly by the wail of newborn child. Raine slumped against Fenris' hold, exhausted.  Fenris sat in awe, holding on to Raine with a new appreciation for her strength. He brushed her hair back from her face, whispering his love to her with every breath, watching as Anders and Orana cleaned and wrapped his child in a blanket.

"It's a girl," the elven servant said as she passed the babe over to her mother, placing her gently in Raine's arms.  Anders remained quiet, working on healing Hawke from stress of birthing.

Fenris looked down, his arms coming around Raine to hold the both of them.  A lone tear slipped down his cheek, the beauty of what he held in his arms overwhelming him beyond words. 

"Do you have a name for her?" Orana asked.

"Andra," Fenris answered before Hawke could reply.  Hawke turned in his arms, looking up at him with tears in her own eyes. Neither had settled on choosing a name, though they had discussed it at length.  "I'm sure your mother would be proud of what you've accomplished.  It's a shame she cannot be here to see how beautiful her granddaughter is."

"Andra," Hawke whispered, looking back to her newborn.  "Yes, I think that will be perfect."

*****

Fenris sat next to the fire in their bedroom, occupying the chair that had been placed there during Hawke's convalescence after her fight with the Arishok.  The chair had simply not been moved which suited him just fine.  He had, on similar nights like this where sleep eluded him, sat in this chair, his thoughts drifting through the flames.  He marveled over that fact that almost a year ago, facing these same flames, his mind in turmoil, he had convinced himself it was necessary that he leave Raine. Now, he sat, facing the same woman he had left as she slept peacefully in the bed they now shared. The strain from earlier in the day peacefully erased as if it had never been.  He would say that it was a miracle, but the true miracle lay, bundled and asleep, in his arms. 

His gaze dropped to the tiny infant he held.  Andra had shifted, nuzzling closer to his chest in her sleep.  She was truly beautiful.  Her eyes, though dark with infancy, held a shine line none he had seen before, and her tiny head was crowned with a fringe of dark, midnight fuzz.  It was her ears, though that truly amazed him, their gentle point, not as sharp as his, but not round like her mother's, was testimony to what he and Raine shared and had created. 

Raine had laughed at him earlier, lovingly of course, for his inability to put his daughter down, finding amusing the complete incongruous nature of the image of him, a fierce, bitter warrior, tamed by an infant.  Though, she only mentioned it the once.  He only smiled and told her to rest, using that as an excuse to keep the newborn in his arms.  He couldn't voice it, but after that night, the night he had felt Andra's presence cradled in Anders' magic, to now be able to hold her in his own arms was something he had been waiting for, anticipating.  

Varric had been the only one of their friends to make a similar comment when Fenris had taken Andra downstairs to meet her new family, leaving Hawke to rest. Merrill had been beside herself, babbling in her incoherent, joyful way.  Avaline had looked wistful, almost.  Sandal, true to form, only said one word. Though that word seemed to be said with more reverence and awe than he had ever heard from the dwarf. Aside from feeding and being briefly passed from person to person, each of their strange, rag-tag family wanting to personally welcome the latest addition to the Hawke family, Andra never left Fenris arms.

"If you keep this up, you'll spoil her and you'll never sleep again," Raine's soft, sleepy voice called out to him from the bed.  "She'll be fine in the basinet.  Besides, my bed is empty, and I don't want to be jealous of our own child."

Fenris chuckled, standing to reluctantly place his still sleeping daughter in the small crib they had next to Raine's side of the bed.  Moments later, he was pulling Raine close to him, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close as he pulled the covers over the both of them and slipped into sleep, his dreams no longer filled with the burden of his past but with the hope of his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW... part two is written. I will post the first chapter sometime next week.


End file.
